Emotional Intelligence: Why we all need it
To be human is to have two often contradictory “selves”: a “rational”* stream of consciousness which communicates in thoughts and words (cognitive); and a sensory, experiential stream of consciousness which communicates through the body (emotional). One can be seen as “top-down” processing; the other “bottom-up”. Although both are vital for our wellbeing and survival, our society and education system tend to value problem-solving and thinking over emotion. Because of this, many of us either lose touch with our feelings, or try to control or quash emotional signals which they have learned are untrustworthy. Some of us lurch between thoughts and emotions, confused by mixed messages such as “follow your heart” and “don’t be so emotional”. Others go to the other extreme and let emotions and “intuition” run the show at the expense of all reason.
Far from being irrational, emotions help us process information (such as our needs, motives and priorities) necessary for survival. Research has shown that people with brain injuries that prevent them from accessing emotion get so distracted with thinking about possible choices that they are unable to make rational decisions. Without emotion to steer their thinking, they are unsure of what matters to them. It is like navigating without a compass.
Emotions also prime us for action. The term “emotion” stems from the Latin word emovere (to move). Anger, for instance, prompts us to approach something which threatens us or our goals, while shame causes us to withdraw and hide.
According to Emotionally Focused Therapy founder Sue Johnson, emotions:
Grab our attention and engage us with what is relevant to our needs and wants.
Help us make meaning of experience, gluing together information coherently.
Motivate and energise us to act.
Help us communicate with, and care for, each other.
This last function is especially important for relationships. Emotions about relationships (such as joy, anxiety, sorrow or anger, depending on the strength of our attachment bonds) tend to be most intense. The way we interpret another person’s nonverbal cues (e.g. facial expression, voice tone) shapes our reactions to them and to ourselves. Johnson calls emotion “the music of the dance called a relationship”. Amazingly, facial expressions for the six core emotions (joy, surprise, anger, shame, fear and sadness) are recognisable across cultures.
Over- or under-regulation of emotion constricts our behaviour and wellbeing. Allowing ourselves to feel, attend to and reflect on emotional experience (ideally with a skilled counsellor, non-judgemental partner or friend) helps us integrate it with cognition, so that we can take advantage of both information channels. Indeed, brain imaging shows that “co-regulation” with a sensitive other deactivates the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) and activates the prefrontal cortex (which helps us thoughtfully appraise situations and consider how to best respond).
An emotionally-focused counsellor can help clients regulate an extreme emotion by processing and owning it rather than denying or blocking it. In therapy, clients get to explore how the way they engage emotions may contribute to suffering. Switching from reactive, automatic emotions (e.g. habitual numbing or rage) to more underlying and ultimately adaptive emotions (e.g. fears that trigger automatic responses) can create new perspectives, directions and actions which lead to positive change.
While “top-down” cognitive coping processes undertaken by yourself plays a role in controlling emotions, they are ideally complemented by “bottom-up” skills of paying attention to one’s “felt sense” of experience, preferably with someone you can trust. Sensitive emotional attunement and flexible emotion regulation are key to personal empowerment and healthy relationships.
*I have put “rational” in inverted commas because our thoughts are not always “true” or helpful.
This blog drew on concepts from and research quoted in Attachment Theory in Practice (Johnson, 2019) and Emotion-Focused Therapy (Greenberg, 2002).
