Infidelity: What it is & what to do about it
Do you suspect, or have you recently found out, that your partner is having an affair…or are you cheating on your partner?
Although some couples agree on having an “open” arrangement, most expect fidelity in committed relationships. Despite this, up to 34% of men and 19% of women have had sex outside their marriage or primary relationship. When emotional affairs are included in the term “infidelity”, the percentages rise to 44% of men and 25% of women. “Emotional cheating” often involves direct online activities such as texting an outside person with what is perceived to be (by the other partner) an inappropriate level of emotional intimacy. Depending on the relationship, indirect online activities (e.g. when one partner watches pornography), may also be considered relationship betrayals by the other partner. Studies show that women feel more hurt when their partner has been emotionally unfaithful, whereas men are more upset about sexual infidelity. To complicate things, sometimes a partner engaging in an emotional affair may not even think of it as infidelity and may even attempt to reassure their partner with comments such as “We’re just friends”.
“Mate poaching” (attempts to woo a person away from a committed relationship) is an increasing trend, admitted to by 60% of single men and 53% of single women. Some scientists believe that our biology and brain design causes us to have competing drives for sex, romantic love, and attachment. This may be one of the reasons why it is possible to have conflicting motives and emotions (e.g. to have sex with more than one partner and to feel romantic love and attachment to a primary partner). Other researchers have pointed to genetic, evolutionary, psychological, family history, cultural and economic variables which may contribute to adultery.
Often, the unfaithful partner says that he/she doesn’t know what led to the affair. “It just happened” or “It didn’t mean anything” are common comments. Although the participating partner is always responsible for choosing to have the affair, factors outside and inside the primary relationship (and within individual partners) may have made it more likely. These factors may have increased the unfaithful partner’s vulnerability and be considered “reasons” – but not “excuses”.
Regardless of why it occurred, an affair violates the betrayed partner’s views about the relationship being committed, safe and trustworthy. Many injured partners say that being deceived was more painful than the act itself. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder-like symptoms such as withdrawal from the unfaithful partner and others, avoidance of situations or places connected to the affair, and repetitious, intrusive thoughts which may interfere with concentration or sleep are common. It is important to realise, however, that the mental health of both partners may suffer.
In the aftermath of an affair’s discovery, both partners commonly have difficulty continuing life as usual. Apart from work, household or family responsibilities, they may be facing difficult decisions such as whether to tell others about the affair, and whether to stay together. Communication during this highly emotional period can range from verbal or physical aggression to withdrawal, numbing and avoidance.
While infidelity is one of the leading factors in divorce, more couples remain married after an affair than choose to end the relationship. Time can heal – but usually not on its own. Couples’ counselling can set healthy boundaries to restore a sense of predictability and trust, and enhance emotional regulation and communication skills to assist partners to keep functioning and make decisions.
Therapy typically involves three stages:
1. Addressing the impact of the affair: This involves honestly answering fundamental questions (in a safe and confidential space); acknowledging the resulting loss and pain (for both partners); and the unfaithful partner expressing remorse and responsibility.
2. Developing a mutual understanding of why it happened: This includes making meaning of the past and its implications for the future relationship.
3. Exploring how the couple will move forward: Deciding to rebuild trust and promote healing through setting clear boundaries, and instigating coping strategies to manage and contain painful feelings.
Evidence-based therapy can help both partners make sense of the affair, which ultimately helps them decide on ways to avoid similar incidents in the future or whether to leave the relationship. A relationships counsellor can help the couple make and act on informed decisions in ways that reduce harm to each partner and close family members.
This blog drew on concepts from and research quoted in An Integrative Approach to Treating Infidelity in Couples (Baucom, Pentel, Gordon & Snyder) in Foundations for Couples’ Therapy: Research for the Real World (2017); “10 Facts About Infidelity”, a 2014 TED talk by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher; and Relationships Australia’s “Relationships Advice Sheet: January 2018: Infidelity”.
